Then and Now.
I have to reflect a little bit on the past. Now that I’ve been out of school for a year I’ve changed a lot. I never really had any friends, or any ones I would consider good ones or worth having around. I was always the more maturer one and always doing my own thing, I liked different things and I had opinions that differed from my friends.
I’ve battled with anxiety and depression for a good part of my life and I know I’m a little damaged because of them. I can remember in my eleventh year of school how awful I felt. I felt trapped, I just wanted school to be over and I just wanted my “friends” to fuck off. I just felt like I wanted to disappear. All the time. Even when I was home I remember looking at the four walls of my room and just crying uncontrollably because I felt trapped. Everyday was a battle.. Words don’t describe the internal torment.
But you come out of it. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that now. I am the happiest I’ve EVER been now that I am out of school. I don’t really know why, but I have learned so much about myself. I love who I am, I am a strong and independent young woman fully capable of whatever she wishes to do. I don’t need friends, a boyfriend or any external approval other than my own. School is based on all of those things.. and that was my problem.
Now I’m doing things I’ve always wanted to do. I do things that make me happy because I’m worthy of that. I’ve deprived myself of a lot of happy years just because I couldn’t see the light of the end of the tunnel. I refused to see it at times because I just felt like I could never pull myself out of that misery I was in.
I have mental scars and I unfortunately have physical ones. Though, I know am blessed. My life is wonderful, stressful and it’s own kinda crazy.
But it’s beautiful. Never overlook a beautiful sunset, or those quiet mornings. Those are the moments I treasure.
